Homme Sweet Homme
Seven reasons why you should never move in with a man who’s never lived on his own.
You’ve finally snared yourself a man who doesn’t break out in a rash at the thought of commitment. He may even have told you he loves you before you uttered these words.
Giddy infatuation has over a few months given way to solid foundations of communication and consideration. Better still, these factors have combined to have you both thinking of and speaking about taking things to the next logical level: cohabitation.
Smart move. Despite several international studies which suggest couples who lived together before they got married have a higher divorce rate than those who did not, we’re not yet talking about nuptials. The fact remains there is no better way to get to know someone in his entirety than to live with him. Yes, you will be exposed to every nail-biting, toe-cleaning, pimple-squishing habit, but you will learn to love him despite these traits. One need only look at the relationships most of us have with our siblings for proof.
Now before you start ringing real-estate agents or scoping out apartments, ask yourself one question: has this man ever lived away from home before? If the answer is yes, throw this baby into gear and scream down the lurve highway. If the answer is no, I’d advise you to hover a foot over the brake pedal as this ride is not going to be smooth.
Men thrown into domestic independence are strange and vexing creatures who often have to be weaned off their parents. In many cases, the share-house experience with flatmates will take care of this process. However, should he go directly from Mum and Dad’s place into his girlfriend’s arms, you could be in for a whole lot more than you would expect.
Before detailing such trials and tribulations, it should be pointed out that it’s highly unlikely that you’ll encounter all of what follows. A mere handful will test your patience, but you can’t say you weren’t warned.
The Sprawl Factor
Given that a man who has not lived away from home before has probably never had a whole house or apartment to himself, there’s a pretty high likelihood that he will want to enact a few hidden fantasies. Yes, this may include making love to you on the kitchen table. But it could also include watching hours of television naked while a fine dusting of junk food detritus accumulates over his body.
In addition to this, the penchant for nudity will probably extend to all manner of household tasks and interactions such as breakfast. Revelling in a degree of freedom he’s never experienced in a domestic setting, he might also hog the couch and bed without realising it. Think this might pose some challenges? Just wait till you hear about how he’ll want to decorate.
Kiss my aesthetic
As much as what you think you have in common - refined taste, a penchant for minimalism, yadda, yadda - I can guarantee he’ll bring over an item from home that will be seven types of hideous. What’s more, he’ll insist it occupy that wall you envisioned as a stark feature, a coffee table designed to be bare or a mantle piece that draws the eye like a cold sore. This keenness for a reminder of his mother’s decor skill (or lack thereof) might, however, be obliterated by a need to make his own statement. Which will probably be of the discount or “I can’t believe someone was throwing this away” variety.
This is because men who’ve never lived away from home before pretty much have no idea how much independence costs. As a result, they receive a pretty rude shock when the monthly expenses roll in and their latent stinginess manifests itself in the form of a ripped velveteen lounge chair picked up by the side of a road. And of course, it goes just beautifully with the home-made book shelf/CD unit comprising bricks and planks.
Cost of loving
While on the subject of money, ever though men who live at home might nominally help out with the expenses, the dollars contributed rarely approximate real world expenses.
Once the bills start appearing regularly, the man who once bough you flowers every day for a week will grumble if you leave a light on after leaving a room or keep the stereo or standby mode.
Does this sound like anyone you know? You got it - men who have never lived away from home sometimes turn into their partner’s Dads. What makes this behaviour even more annoying is that he will fail to see his own economic shortcomings. Such as insisting on sharing the cost of pizza three nights running as opposed to cooking at home and reheating leftovers the next night.
Feeding time
Men who’ve never lived away front home often go through a period of indulgence outdone only by the newly divorced at a swingers’ convention sponsored by Viagra.
Their lust, however, is for grease in the form of burgers, tacos, subs and any other food form upon which multinational chains are built. Should you not wish to partake, these men will be genuinely mystified. The bad news is that this was the good news.
Many men who have not lived away from home have never had any reason to learn how to cook. Mummy made sandwiches for him and he’ll subconsciously want you to fill that role. A similar philosophy will apply to the washing of plates and clothing. Again, men and women have different standards of hygiene, cleanliness and order. Plates he’s used and clothe he’s worn will form crusty pyramid and washed (or deodorized) only when the items need to be reused.
Should you not approve of this laissez faire-ly filthy approach, he will point out that the situation suits him just fine. All the while thinking, that if it’s bothering you so much why don’ you do something about it. Just like Mum would.
Bathroom boot
All the potential battlegrounds so far but mere sticking points compared to the bathroom. For men, this a mere utilitarian space where armpits are freshened, faces shaved and to quote Jessica Simpson, “kids are dropper off at the pool”. For women, though the bathroom can be a sweetly scented sanctuary, a space for personal TLC.
From the positioning of toilet seats to hair stuck to fixtures, the man who has never lived away from home often has no idea of the bathroom transgressions he is committing. This is either because he has never been told or Mummy used to clean up after him.
Party pains
While you may envision your new home as a love nest for two, the man is most likely planning on less intimate gatherings. In fact, part of the deal with having “his” own place - that word will initially bounce around “his” head more than “our” - means being able to invite over whoever, whenever. What’s more, said party or parties - in every sense of the term - will be able to stay should they so desire.
Hence, you will be asked or told of certain situations that you will have to agree to. As in, “Johnno’s going to crash on the couch tonight” or the slightly more polite, but still nonnegotiable-or-you’ll-look-like-a-bitch, “Do you mind if Johnno crashes on the couch tonight?”.
The household fairy
As alien as this concept might be, many guys have come to accept the presence of a mystical deity that somehow takes care of the household minutiae. When he uses that last sheet of toilet roll, a plump fresh replacement appears by his next visit to the loo. When he empties the final droplets of milk from the carton onto his cereal in the morning then puts the empty canister back in the fridge, somehow when he reaches for it the next morning, it will be full again.
Of course, it’s good old Mum once again tidying, cleaning and generally making nice in his wake. Just like she does for Dad and just like a man who’s never lived away from home reckons it’s going to be in his new life with you.
The fix
As dreary and challenging a picture of domesticity as this might seem, fear not, solutions are at hand. Most of the instances above result from him not knowing any better. If he loves you, he doesn’t want to upset you. And if what he’s doing is upsetting you, he will naturally want to curtail his behaviour.
The key to making him realise, that you are not and never will be his mother lies in not behaving like her. That means no mollycoddling, no picking up after him, no insisting on anything less than equality of effort to make it the home you both want. [text by David Smiedt]
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